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Quotes
if some don't make sense, it's probably because it happened a long time ago. it's those "you had to be there" kind of things. AND YOU PROBABLY WEREN'T THERE SUCKA


-"if you were a giant pickle i'd squish you HARD" ~Ellen
-"Just build her a cake or something" ~DZhao
-"Why is Arnold Schwarzenneger so Strong? i want to be australian." ~ChrisYang
-"Intelligent slut! i want to be that." ~ Alison
-" It's a snail? I thought it was a tater tot." ~ Amina
-"People say when I laugh, I gallop." ~ Sargham
- Max: "Angie do you know what Street fighter is?"
Angie: "Sorry, I don't watch Street fighter."

- "I love you. Seriously, i love you. No seriously, i want to f*** you in the ass." ~ Wellis
- "Alan put my phone down his pants and it smelled funny for 5 days." ~ Hani
- "Jason don't be such a puss-[balloon pops] -AHHHHHHHH!!!!" ~Laura
-"Competition is good if you win." ~ Eric X.
- [points to picture of chinese peasants working during the Great Leap Forward] "Do you think these people would prefer making Nikes or Adidas?" ~ Dan Sun
- Michelle: "nobody has said anything to go against what i [say]."
Me: "I disagree."
Michelle: "do you really?"
Me: "No."

- "When Daryl got new shoes, i felt so sad i was going to cry. I don't know why." ~Chris Yang
- Kraft: "Pohan has says things that no one has ever said to me before."
Jason C.: "I love you?"

- "Fremont has a lot of cool shops...like burger king." ~ Eric Xue
-"Summer better kick a lot of ass. Like, 50 of them in a row or something. And think of the variety of kicks! Drop kick, roundhouse, bicyle kick if you're feeling mortal kombat-y, and yeah." ~ Chris Yang
- "Don't act macho when really behind closed doors you're just nacho." ~ Christine Ngo
-"Hey guys, lets go to Denny's!" ~Ryan Chu
- [inside a Dollar Store] "Can we leave now? It smells like Taiwan." ~Max Chang
-"Girls have to work out their legs because they have no upper-body strength. IT'S TRUE." ~Nick Wong
- "Yay! We found another nice-smelling boy!" ~Tiff Fung
- Me: "The Sky is red."
Eric Lee: "Zeus must be on his period."

-"IT IS SO SWEET when you pick off a scab and it doesn't bleed. then it's like: WHAT NOW HEAL'D YEAYUH." ~Brian Ho

- "When I used to have swim lessons as a kid. We'd have tea parties underwater." -Jason Lee
- "You had a 29 out of 30 percent chance. Wait.." ~Dan Peters
- "I think I wore your socks. I'm not sure! GOSH!" ~ Hani Rahman
- "If i had a dollar for every brain you didn't have, I'd have one dollar." ~Justin Chi
- Eric Lee: "What's DOTA stand for?"
Dana: "Dana On Top Always!"
-"you're not a man untill you pee in a trashcan or on a fire. better yet, a trashcan fire." ~Max Chang
- "I want you to all go home and practice thrusting in front of a mirror. I can't believe i said that." ~Max Chang
- "I saw Tundai and Leto taking the SATII. It was kind of funny." ~Zhongli
- Zhongli: *rubs his stubble* "Should i shave?"
Reggie: "Shave where?"


- [Max's away message] "I'm not emo, but i wish my hair was so it would cut itself."
- [Max and I walk past a group of girls]
Girl 1: "EVERYONE NAME A COLOR!"
Girls 2 3 4: "Fuchsia! Maroon! Blue!"
Girl 5: "OXYGEN!"

-"Chemistry is like eating a pie. You win some and you lose some." ~Jray Yuan (the one and only)
-"I'm going to cut off your golden, shiny hair and make a shrine out of it! The other Barbies don't compare!" Michelle Ngo, in reference to Julie Hughes platinum-gold ownage hair
-" a ninja sees inbetween the inbetween." ~ Brian Ho
-"If you punch me in the nuts, I promise you i will come back stronger than ever before." ~Petie Scobel
- "its like making a quadriplegic run a marathon." David Zhao, referring to Nick's retarded grammar
- "Is it lol or 101?" ~Dana Roy
-"Plus, as Zain Iqbal demonstrates, you can drink extravagant amounts of liquor, smoke all kinds of drugs, and drive (sometimes at the same time it would seem), and still have morals, like not sneaking into movies." ~David Cheng*
-"I can tap dance on maple tree leaves. I can also tapdance on other leaves, but i choose maple tree leaves because they remind me of potato chips." ~Chris Yang
- LAN quote- on the subject of being fobs:
someone: "henry, where were you born?"
henry: "honestly, i was born in india."
max: "no you weren't."
henry: no, REALLY, i was born in saudi arabia. seriously."
max: "but saudi arabia isn't a part of india."
henry: "huh? i never said i was born in india."

- "My third nizzle." ~Henry

- [Charlie comes to our lunch table]
Charlie: "Whos Leroy Jenkins?"
[Everyone stares at him]
Max: "Quit this table now."

-"can you believe people can type the whole thing [alphabet] in like a second? that's like.... an average of 26 letters a second!" ~Eric Lee
-Eric: "Dana, you're a noob."
Dana: "What's a noob?"

- [Jerry,Max,Chris, and I are in Max's car]
Me: "Jerry don't you have a DOTA scrim today?"
Jerry: "Oh, shit."
Max + Chris @ same time: "GG WELLIS IS GOING TO BE SOOooooOOoooOOOO PISSED."

- Jen: "Wellis are you going to winterball?"
Wellis: "Can i go with my dog?"
Jen: "Yes."
Wellis: "Then I'm going."

-"...wait. Buffalo wings aren't made from buffalo?" ~Eric Lee
-"...She's not ugly, just special." ~Jenn Tseng [talking about the girl that wants Eric Lee's hot body]

-[Brian Lam approaches Mira Yoon]
Brian: "Hey there."
Mira: "UGH I'M SO SICK OF YOU."

-[vent]
Me: "Ohio? What's in Ohio?"
Tom: "The steelers, you dumbass."
Dan:"wtf are the steelers?"
Tom: "Pittsburgh steelers, idiot?"
Dan: "Pittsburgh is in Pennsylvania."
Eric: "Tom got served."

-"If i ever meet Stevie Wonder, I'm giving him a microscope for his birthday." ~Chris Yang
-Peter: "Dude she [Tyra Banks] was dumber than a dumb blonde."
Julie: "Dumber than a dumb WHAT?"
Peter:" uhh..PERSON! shit! dumber than a dumb person!"
Julie: "Yea, that's right."
-"HENRY USE YOUR CLAW!" ~Max


-[Referring to Hostel]"..From the great minds that brought you Cabin Fever, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and Kill Bill. Holy crap you KNOW this movie is going to be good." ~Chris Yang
"Kill Bill sucked." ~Eric

-"does ftw mean fuck the whore?" ~Zhongli

-"i know that i drink because i heard from reliable sources that every ounce of alcohol i take in and pee out of my body makes me 0.385% cooler to seniors and anyone older than i am." ~ Dan Sun

-"Somebody told me it was a noodle. I mean rumor. where the hell did that come from?" ~Dan Sheng

- Wellis: "guys. i have decided to castrate myself."
Eric: "dude then you'll be hella more passive and everyone will like you more."
Wellis:"WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?"

-[Eric and I are sitting in History Class]
Eric:"Hey, what period do you have history?"

-"There are three people you don't say 'I'm going to kick your ass!' to. That's Ankur, Jesus, and God." ~Petie Scobel

-"Well, that's Down Syndrome if i ever seen it." ~Wellis Huang [he saw a special kid with a stroller]
-[Mr. Payette is asking people their signs]
Me: "Pisces."
Carl: "Pisces."
Alvin: "Uh...Sapphire?"

-"No one can defeat incredible squid man. Not even Chuck Norris. ...I'm hella scared now. Shit." ~Justin Chi

-"oOOh! Sailors!" ~Dana Roy
-"Eric, If I make one of those things [10-person comments] and tell you who you are, will you touch me?" ~Winston Chou (freudian slip ftw)

-"Naw, blood." ~Dan friggin' Sheng
-"Chris tucker can say nigger, but so can Dan Sheng." ~Alan lin

-Dan: "I'm going to Box God when i get to Heaven."
Tom: "I'm going to beat Jesus in CS."
Dan: "Jesus is going to own you Tom. He can drop the knife."

[on vent]
Eric: "uh oh."
Eric: "TOM! TOM!TOM!TOOOOOM! TOOOOM! TOOOOM! TOOOOOM! TOOOOOM!TOOOOOM!"
Tom: "what."
Eric: "My mouse won't move in CS."

-"Yadadadadoozle?!?!" ~Tom Li

-"I'd challenge you to enter a gay contest, but i know youd win." ~David Zhao, in response to a post from Zhongli

-"tell me when everyone's dota. i mean back." ~wellis huang +

-Michael: "If you could make love to the two hottest women in Africa, but contract AIDs, would you do it?"
Peter Chan: "Are there white girls in Africa?"

-Amina: "I'm the juggernaut, bitch!"
Sargham: "What the hell's a Duggadot?"

-Tom: "I want to be Wolverine!"
Chris: "Pussy."
[Tom looks down sadly, and pokes at his chicken pot pie]


-"Michael is to buff as Michael is to 7-foot-tall-black-man." ~Winston y Chou
-"Dude, all the Hidden Jewels came from Mission Valley. Rawee, Me, Grace..." ~Esteban
-"...Yea, well i'm going to slap you! slashslap! slashslap! slashslap! yea, it hurts doesn't it! slashslap! say it hurts, fag! slashslap! ~Chris Yang
-"I'm dasher! I'm dancer! i'm vixen! and uh...hornet!" ~Chris Yang
-"Dude, you can buy fake palm trees at the dollar store for like...a dollar." ~Esteban

-[we're at the beach]
Chris: "Guys, I'm going to go play in the water!"
[He jumps up hella excitedly, runs toward the ocean, trips on a 12-pack of Sierra mist and eats it on the sand]

-Zinn: "Dude, my wand does hellllla damage."
Dan Sheng: "What the fuck."

-Todd: "Dan, you're a liberal right?"
Dan: "No i'm not, bitch."
Todd: "But your facebook says you are!"

-"Hold on, let me ask my mom. Hey Mom, can i take someone's SAT's for forty bucks?" ~Winston Chou
- "Browsing wikipedia is so fun.. you can just type in 'tits!' YEA!"~ Tom li
- Dan: "Well, Matt, Welcome to the Conservative side."
Me: "Dude, i'm not conservative."
Dan: "What?!? Fuck you, then."

-"Subtitles are for women!" ~Chris Yang (from Hani)

-"If MSJ were America....fuck." ~Justin Chi [Pertaining to the candidates of Mock Con]

-"...Damn Matt, I'm sorry. I never realized this before, white people are jerks! I apologize for my whole race. No wonder everyone hates us!" ~Petie Scobel [On noticing the excruciatingly annoying Ygnacio parents who were being obnoxiously loud cheering]
-"If you're not gay, you're a faggot." ~Dan Sheng
-"Those who oppose us will stand knee-deep in the blood of their children." ~Dan Sheng [is on the Jedi council forums]
-"This is not an option nigga. if you don't smoke this, we have a problem." ~Dan Sheng [Is wayne brady]

-Me: "I'm Rodney King."
Tom: "I'm Martin Luther King..Jr's...Son...Martin...fuck."

-"Oh God." ~Eric Lee, moments after he jumps off a ramp and moments before he eats it in the snow

-Eric: "Dan, you have no idea how bad it is to be a socially awkward asian kid."
Dan: "Dude, YOU'RE WHITE."

-Me: "Hey Jon, are those cookies?"
Jon: [screaming] "NO. THEY'RE SAUSAGES!!!"

-Michelle: "Paulina, what's your favorite food?"
Paulina: "Lambs and champagne."


-"I feel like swearing." ~Ryan Chu, after he sees This

"So..Derek...Can you read English good?" ~Stuart Gwynn, to Derek Chow

"SHUT THE FUCK UP NIGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! THIS IS A SOUNDPROOF ROOM!" ~Austin Chen,in the library study rooms, minutes before peeking outside, seeing two black people, and realizing that it wasn't.

-"So Abhijeet...Can you show me your penis?" ~Max Chang (best statement of 2007)

-Michael: "Eric, why are you always sick?"
Eric: "Dude, I don't know."
Dan: "Inferior genes. You must be killed."

-Patrick:[Reading Morning Announcements] "Gay Straight Alliance meeting today. All are welcome. Yea right."

[Pause]

"JUST KIDDING!"

-Jerry: [Moaning] "Ooooh...dicks..."
-"WoW is good. Drugs are bad. Therefore, WoW is not a drug." ~Dan Sheng

-"I always feel bad for those kids who stay in the library after school. They're always reading ." ~Vidur Malik
-Michael: "Wellis, what do you do while you're afk?"
Wellis: "Watch movies, eat food, play with my dogs wee-ohhh...shit."

-Eric: "Dude, it's grad night! it's going to be fun!"
Tom: "More like...sober night."

-"Man, I wish I was Mormon so i could have four wives...one for every day of the week." ~Dan's friend Will

[Max is Driving]
"Hey guys...is that a rock in the middle of the road?"
[CLUNK]
"OHHH DAMNIT!"

Me: "Winston, why don't you ever go after girls our age?"
Winston: "Oh you know...the smaller they are, THE LESS THEY FIGHT BACK. HAHAHA"
[he turns at this moment for emphasis on laughter and this little 6 year old indian girl is staring at him with wide eyes]

-[looking at a picture of a fit guy online]
"Who cares if he's buff. Does he have a lot of money? Has he done a lot of women? He's not successful." ~ Joey VanDeusen

-[Texting]
Me: "Hey Tom, wanna watch Live free or Die Hard?"
Tom: "Does it get good reviews?"

-"Retards. they're funny. What's not to get?" ~Winston Chou

Ryan Ko in his LJ:
"When the "Battle of Hogwarts" lego set comes out, I hope it's thousands and thousands of pieces, and has everyone. I'd fork over so much money for that... yes..."
Winston: "rofl i hope they make a dumbledore piece that falls off the balcony"

-Michael: "This cinnamon bun looks like a child's asshole."
[Winston looks up suddenly and with brightened eyes]

-Me: "Mannie fresh is hella fat and cute."
Eric: "You know who's fat and cute? *pause* No one. Cuz fat people are ugly."

-"Its as if shaved a vertebra my spine since in a stegosaurus." ~Nick Wong, talking about his back after go kart racing
-"Michael's oven has a 'bake' and 'broil' option....I chose broil."~ Max

-Alex: "Liz what would you do if you were a pumpkin? "
Liz: "I would draw a face on myself."

-Me: "Let's have an intelligent conversation."
Grant: "Photosynthesis."
Me: "Membrane."
Liz: "OUTSIDE!"

-Me: "Hi Liz! you're back!" (she had been gone for the weekend)
Liz: "Hi Matt! I hear your hair grew!"


-"I don't know what oscar wilde is more - gay or dead." ~Alex Nicholson
-"Matt, this is going to sound really gay even for the gabbo, but can you come kill a bug for me?" ~Alex N.
-Esteban: "I love it when a huge negative becomes a huge positive."
Jerry: "Not HIV."


-*Max is about to open a beer*
Eric: "IS THAT A TWIST OFF?"
*Eric grabs it, twists it open, spraying beer all over everyone*

-Alex:"i am a heron. i have a long neck and i pick fish out of the water w/ my beak. if you dont repost this comment on 10 other pages i will fly into your kitchen tonight and make a mess of your pots and pans"

me: dude ive listened to feed the birds like 10 times today
Alex: what if that song... was about weed...
Me: weed the birds
Alex: tuppence a bag

-"God's love is so powerful words can't describe it. So you just cry. But it's not crying like, 'my pony died', its crying of happiness like you want to explode and be like 'eunnhhh!'" ~ Chris Yang


HOMER QUOTES

-"So yesterday, me and my brother were driving home, and we saw Hanano and his Girlfriend walking home. so we drove by them yelling "Hanaaaaaaaaaaaaaano" and then we u-turned and drove by again going "Hanaaaaaaaaaaaano" and then we u-turned and drove by again going "Hanaaaaaaaaaano." [at this point, Homer started pounding the table, and then slapped max on the face]

- [we're working on our airband]
Alan: "Ok, what are you guys doing after?"
Homer: "I'm gonna go home and do some dips."

-"Trust me, when you were born, you were the ugliest piece of shit ever." ~Homer Chen
-[busts into science lab] "I NEED A SCIENTIFIC CALCULATOR."
- "You know whats really annoying? When people stomp every time they say a word. HEY *stomp* GUYS *stomp* WHAT'S *stomp* GOING *stomp* ON? *stomp stomp stomp*"
- "If a girl ever asks you,"what do you think of me?" always say,"ITCHY!" and she'll be like "wtf?" ~Homer
- "Guess what's in the 'special' folder? A PICTURE OF HOMER'S FACE" ~Jason lee (Moments before being pimpslapped by Homer)
- Homer: "Basically, a Scholarship is this: You have a big penis and we want you."
Me: "What kind of college would want that?"
Homer: "CHABOT COLLEGE!!"
"Sometimes, you just gotta let your pockets out." *flips pockets out and crosses his arms and nods*
"Don't judge a book by its covered." ~ What Homer wrote for an aphorism
"I CAN'T FIGHT CANCER...SO I'LL FIGHT A CANCER PATIENT!" (from Hani)
-"Seals are like fat furry slugs. You either want to eat them, or club them.”

-LaRosa: What does the word "infamy" remind you of?
Person 1: Scarlet Letter
2: Scarlet Letter
3: Scarlet Letter
Homer: PEARL HARBOR! (from winston)

-Homer: "Hey want to hear an Einstein quote?"
Me: "No."
Homer: "Okay, once in his life Einstein must have said 'shut the fuck up.'"
[Homer smiles and is proud of himself]

-Me:"One day I'm going to be a powerful business lord and you will all be my workers and this bio grade will mean nothing."
Homer: "Oh yea? One day I'll be in jail and be KING. And you can all toss my salad."

-Me: "Hey homer what number (science questions) are you on?"
Homer: "LONGER THAN YOURS!!"

-Me: "I'm always last." [referring to joining games]
Homer: "Thats ok. Sometimes it's good to be last. Like in the holocaust when you're going to the gas chambers."

-"It always makes me feel happy when i see black people going shopping. i dunno why."
-Mr. Payette: "What kind of person lets everyone walk over him?"
Homer: [without thinking] "A woman?" *he immediately buries his head in his backpack*


-"Moss...moss." ~Homer
-Me: "Ok guys, i'm going to go put on my biodot RIGHT NOW."
Homer: "DUDE MATT. DUDE. PUT IT ON YOUR DICK."

-Homer: "Guys, i think i'm gonna do good on my SATS!"
David Z: "Do well."

-"I bet his parents are Taiwanese. Taiwanese people name their kids hella weird names. Like Homer and Winsor."
-Homer:"So have you guys ever read a manga and been like, 'damn that chick is hot!' and it turns out to be a man?"
Me: "No..."
Alan: "No..."
Dan: "No..."
Homer: "damnit!"

-Homer: "So today my teacher got mad at me for eating a sandwich during a test. what the fuck!"
Eric: "Maybe the answers were written on the meat in your sandwich."
Homer: "How the fuck would i see it? There are two slices of bread covering it! Goddamn you guys are stupid."

[on the subject of agile turtles]
homer: "No, a snapping turtle is agile."
Everyone: "..uhhh... no..."
homer: "IT'S AGILE. DON'T PISS ME OFF. ITS AGILE. CAUSE IT SNAPS. SNAP!"
Me: "Homer, can you pound your desk?"
Homer: *Pounds desk* "FACT OF LIFE!"

-Nick: "My brother thinks he can out-bench me."
Homer: [In a matter-of-fact tone]
"Whenever there are two brothers, they will always try to outdo each other in weight-lifting."
Me: "Like...Ho...mer...and...Win...sor?"

-Homer: "wait, so how many credits is a class?"
Everyone: "It's 5, homer."
Homer: "...Wait. this doesn't make sense. So my GPA is a... 1.7?"

-[Homer comes onto Vent in a panic]
"GUYS I NEED A HACKYSACK. ERIC DO YOU HAVE A HACKYSACK? MATT DO YOU HAVE A HACKYSACK? I NEED A HACKYSACK NOW. NICK DO YOU HAVE A HACKYSACK? SOMEONE HAD BETTER HAVE A HACKYSACK."

-Us to Homer: "Ok, so would you rather do R____ or Matt?"
Homer: "I would do R____."
Us: "EW EW EW EW EW EWWWWWWWW EW EW EW."
Homer: "WHAT. YOU GUYS ARE GAY. YOU NEED TO BE KILLED."

-Winston:"Don't get mad at Jerry. He has aspiration."
Homer: "SHUT UP, VEGAN. WANT SOME SOYBEANS?"

Homer: "You know what sucks? being an ugly girl. if you're an ugly girl, you might as well kill yourself."
Me: "Homer, what if you have an ugly girl?"
Homer: "Yea, well that's why i'm marrying a hot chick."

-[On vent]
Homer: "Boobies...Boobies."
Me: "Homer, what are you looking at?"
Homer: "Nothing."

[10 second pause]

Homer: *whispering* "Boobies..."

-Homer: "I wish we had more hot girls at our school."
Me: "Why, Homer."
Homer: "So i could see them in Bikinis!"

-"So imagine slapping a girl so hard she hits the wall. and then she just slides down and lays there. and a little dribble of blood is spilling out her mouth."
[Homer chuckles.]

*silence in the channel*

Homer: "....You guys have a horrible sense of humor."

-[Hypnotized]"DUDE. WHERE THE HELL IS MY BABY?"





Science Camp Quotes

-little viet girl: "hey Bear (Zhongli), did you know that the more pimples you have, the more girlfriends you have? you must have a LOT of girlfriends."
-[Charlie is going through Kelvin's ipod]
"Frank Sinatra? What the fuck is this?"
-[I see charlie taking two of my kids to the HUB]
Me: "What did they do?"
Charlie: "They were laughing and giggling."

-Me: "Hey everyone point at Dinosaur and laugh!"
[All the kid's point at Charlie and laugh at him]
Charlie: "Hey everyone point at Baby seal [me] and laugh!"
[Silence]




Cool Coach/Teacher Quotes
- "..They're nothing but a bunch of big, corn-fed white boys" ~Gene Kendall [commenting on the Livermore water polo team players; who were literally twice as big as us]
- "Stop bouncing the new balls or I'll bounce your face off my fist." ~Gene Kendall
- Jojo: "What's your name?"
Wellis: "Wellis."
Jojo: "Ron?"

- "Hey you! Antisocial!" *points to a fat guy in back of class* ~Mr. Ha
-"Okay! So who's the thickest guy in the class? Ya know, just for safety reasons. We need to see if you can fit through the window or not" ~ Mr. Ha
- [On waterpolo turnovers] "On the counter attack, force the guy to swim into the wall. He'll hafta stop,because if he doesn't, he'll hit the wall and stop and probably cry." ~ Mark Lawrence
- [A kid goes up to Mr. Ha and asks him to check his paper and give him a perfect score]
Mr. Ha: "What mistakes did you make? Or should i ask that to your parents?"

- "In Catholicism, people go inside the confession boxes and say,'Forgive me father, for i have sinned. I beat my one-legged stepson to death.'" ~ Mr. Ha

- {pulls out two pictures of Pocahontas; the real one, and the Disney one] "Now you guys see the difference between these two? One is yuck. But the other one...look at the flowing black hair...the pouty lips...long neck...slender waist..." ~Mr. Ha

- [A girl named Tiffany walks by our classroom] "Tiffany smells like garbage bin." ~Don (SAT teacher)
- "I can see the future...and yours is golden arches... let me make your job easier: I like medium fries with everything." ~ Mr. Ha
- "I remember, when i was in the military, I drank twenty cans of beer. Then i went outside and threw up. Oh, it was so good." ~Don, (SAT tutor)
- Mr. Ha: "The states used POPULAR votes...Popular...unlike you guys." *stares at some nerds*
- "Guys, we have to warm up for our games. I don't care if we're playing the School for the Blind, you're warming up." ~Mark, Water Polo Coach
-"Do you think if your parents would have DONE what they HAD TO DO if they found out you turned out like this? They'd be like, 'NO MORE LOVEY DOVEY STUFF, WHAT THE HECK WERE WE THINKING?" ~Mr. Ha [talking about procreation]
-"My first year here...i got in trouble because i took food from the canned food drive." ~Mr. Ha
-"You guys know what transitive verbs are? I KILL YOU. KILL is the transitive verb. TORTURE. MAIM. those are transitive verbs." ~Mr. Ha
-"When me and my friends were young and messed up, we pretended to act like Dick Clark. Muunghunghghahn." ~Mr. Ha

-Mr. Ha: "Where's your homework?"
Wellis: "My Dog-"
Mr. Ha: "Let me guess. Your dog ate it, and then you ate the dog." (asian joke. hahaha)

-"..this fact is important in attracting women, like jodie, emmeline, or frank (yu)."
-Mr Ha: "Name some states."
Person 1: " Illinois."
Me: "Idaho."
Girl: "LONG ISLAND!"

-Mr Ha: "Who's on the silver dollar?" (answer: susan b anthony)
person (girl's voice): "Oprah?"
-Mr Ha: "Why would you guys want to live in Wyoming? There's nothing there. just you...and the buffalo. and i don't know what you guys do with buffalo."
- "If you throw a pie at leftkowitz, i'll kill you."
-" I should stop sending valentine's to single women."
-"What kind of Korean food are you guys selling during Multicultural week? Fried poodles?"
-"Germany trying to invade Russia was like, someone trying to take a bite out of a pie. Except...the pie was tooooo big."
-"Bomb shelters - they're a place to put your ugly kids. Right Frank [Yu]? what's it like in there?"~Mr. Ha
-"Don't cheat on this test. If you cheat...you go to hell." ~Mr. Larsen (on a culinary arts quiz)
- Maryann: "How do you spell 'authoritarian?'"
Mr. Larsen: "A-U...Ehh figure it out yourself."
-[Shakes a blow-up plastic toy club at Vidur] "i'm going to do to you what i did to Rodney King." ~Mr. ha
-" [Brian Curtis]! Do you want to spend your valentine's day with me after school!" ~Ms. Bird (trying to be strict and firm to lay down a punishment, just making it awkward and sexual)

-Shelly: "Mr Thomsen, don't you want a man-manicure?"
Thomsen: "No."
Shelly: "Don't you want your fingers to feel nice?"
Thomsen: "If I want my fingers to feel nice I'll punch someone."









Michael Ho Quotes
-"When i grow up, I'm going to be a lifeguard, and I'm going to save people using [butter]fly."
-"Pablo Neruda looks like the Mafia."
-"My name is Columbus and I will conquer you!"*
-"I'm naming my son Thrall."
-"I'm putting 911 on speed dial."
-"Dude, rumors are 90% true."*
- Michael :"dude i love beauty and the beast."
Annie: "REALLY? WHATS YOUR FAVORITE PART?"
Michael: "When the Beast dies."

- [on the subject of good parenting]
"This is getting too deep for me, Mr. Greene."
- "I'm Hard, shiet."
- "You tickle my fancy."
- [while we're swimming in practice] "I'm a water elemental chasing you! [starts splashing me]
- "On long road trips, my dad tells me to count to 1000 and then we'll be there. I do, and when im finished counting we're only halfway there and i get depressed."
-Chris:"hey are you going to the dance?"
Michael:"No, i'm not jiggy enough."

- [on conversing about terrorists] "we can learn to steal BOEING 747'S!"
- [on the subject of fatherhood]:"...and my kids will be like "i wish he wasnt my dad or else id go out w/ him; and ill go to PTA meetings and it will be like episodes of desperate housewives...damn I'm awesome" (Credit to Hani. Cuz yea.)

- "Oscar Schindler can SUCK MY BALLS."
- Winston: "Cancer is fake."
Michael: "my aunt has cancer."
Winston: "Well, she was lying to you."

-"My great-grandmother died by choking on a dumpling. But she was my great-grandmother, so its ok."
-" That barbecuing thing is big. You could barbecue a kid in it." +
-"I like to make up code names for myself. Like Deep Throat." +
-"I was in boyscouts once. I made it to Tenderfoot. Bitch!"
---"I got a merit badge in BASKETWEAVING."
-"I like Mermaids. I like mermaids."
- Michael: "I'm going to get a tattoo of an elephant on my penis."
Petey Scobel: "It's going to be a mighty small elephant."

- "If I was a girl, I wouldn't want to go out with me."
- [Colors his thumb green with a marker] "Have you guys ever seen 'The Troll in Central Park?' he could stick his thumb in the ground and make stuff grow."
- "ENTANGLING ROOTS!" [jumps onto ryans legs and latches himself there]
-"The last time i had a girlfriend was...16 years ago."
-"hey you know what game is good for your level of intellect? PIN THE TAIL ON THE DONKEY!" +
-"D is for Down syndrome."
-" I want a piece of you, chris yang. i also want to have sex with an oompa loompa."+
- "Pitbulls look like body builders."
- [Shows me a picture of Dumb and Dumberer] "Hey, look its your parents!"
- "Hey you guys remember when Austin Brokedanced?"
[everyone laughs at him]
" When he breakdanced? Breakdonced?"
- "I don't get why people get belly button rings. I mean, what if they are sliding across the carpet, and the ring gets caught, and the ring is ripped out with all of their intestines? WHAT THEN?" +
- "SECRET ENTRANCE!" [tries to dive backwards between two bushes but fails miserably]
-[trips on a hole] "OMG! LOOK AT THIS HOLE! IT'S LIKE A VAGINA!!! SERIOUSLY, COME LOOK AT IT!" (stolen from Hani again)
-"DUDE! tonight, i'm hella gonna fcuk with my mom" %
-"Dude, whenever i open Frozen Throne i always think it says Frozen Thong. Does anyone else think that? ...DAMNIT!"
- "Hey look, I'm Dimmesdale." *grabs his chest* "Ueunnghueununghagghunnngh!"
- *in his facebook* "boy oh boy! im gonna die a virgin!"
- Me: "Hi, my name is Michael, and I can't order a pizza."
Michael: "Hi, My name is Matt, and i hurt Michael's feelings."

- Person: "Hey, let's play heads up 7up!"
Michael: "let's play heads up FUCK YOU!"

-"I'm gonna fuck the BRAINS out of the CORPSE BRIDE!" *swivels his waist*
-"one time i was sitting in front of my computer and i was hella bored so then i stuck my finger six inches up my ass" %
- "Yeah well you know what? I'm pretty badass." *rips an inch of a page in his Psych book* "Yea that's right. Badass for life!"
- Ms. Leftkowitz: " In Fremont, You wear a lot of coats. The Bay Area is the city of layers."
Michael: "lasagna has layers."
-"Tupac is as dead as disco."

- [talking in real life]
michael ho: "i like this crysanthemum(sp?) drink. it has no conservatives, too. man this is good."
eric lee: "did you just say 'conservatives?' you mean, "preservatives"?
michael ho: "alright, fine, so i made a typo! oh shit, i mean, ... shit." +

- "DOUBLE-SLAP!" *hits me 3 times.*
- [gears himself to punch someone] "Hey What's the capital of BANGKOK?...Ah damnit."
- tom li: "LICHEN LAND!!! LOLOL"
michael ho: "i love to rub lichen all over my dick." +

- michael: venusaur says "shut the hell up!" +
- "GO TO ANOTHER GUY'S HOUSE, GET A POKEBALL, PUT YOUR DOG IN IT, AND GO FIGHT ANOTHER GUY'S DOG."+
-"fcuking my mom is hella gay" % (punctuation is important)
- Mrs. LaRosa: "Michael, what are these men on your binder?"
Michael: "These aren't just any men, they're Korean Pop Stars."

-[We're eating from a jar of jelly beans]
"Soon this jelly bean jar will be like Africa. Only black ones left."

- [Michael is creating a Yahoo Email account]
Security Question: What is your favorite sport?
Michael: Niggers.

-[randomly, during psych] "YAY CLEAVAGE!"
-[randomly, during english]
michael ho: "dude, this thanksgiving break is gonna suck HUGE FUCKING TITS."
eric lee: "who heard that?"
julie: "i did." +

- Abhijeet: Dude, there are a lot of chinks here. [cafeteria]
Michael: HEY SHUT THE FUCK UP PUNJAB PERSON.

-"Hey let's go to science camp to molest little kids."
-"I'm not doing any sports senior year. I'm getting FAT for college" *lifts his shirt and rubs his stomach*"
- Michael Ho's CS name - "I like to rub jam on my ass"
- "C is for TITTIES!" *rubs his nipples*

- Julie: "Does anyone have any lotion?"
Eric: "DID SOMEBODY SAY ROSHAN??!"
Michael: "Roshan has a stone dick."

- Hani: "Girls don't grow up. They grow out."
Michael: "Maybe you should just grow a penis."

- "ALRIGHT GUYS WHO'S UP FOR SOME SEX. I'm just kidding. That's disgusting."

-Michael: "Hani, i bet you don't even know what FPS is."
Hani: "Frames Per Second?"
Michael: "Damnit."

-"Hey guys, where's Mr. Miyagi? HE'S DEAD!!!"
- "I'm never going to have a baby because i don't want the risk of it being retarded."
- Me: "Michael aren't you going to study for the bio test?"
Michael: "Hell no. Remember the last test? I totally wung it. i mean winged it."

-[Michael says something mean to Hannah]
Hannah: "What would you do if i started crying right now?"
Michael: "I would not look at you."

-[Howard is wearing a spiffy tie]
Me: "Hey Howard why are you all dressed up?"
Michael: [Turns to Hannah] "Yea Hannah, why are you so messed up?"

-"I have a baseball bat up my ass."
-"Yesterday, I put binder clips on my tits."
- [In English]
Michael: "Mrs. Larosa, was Huck Finn black?"
[Whole class stares at him]
Michael:"Huck Finn isn't black? what the hell?"

-"I guess if it came down to it I would fight. But only after trying to reason!"
-Me: "Hey what flavor is that [gum]?"
Michael: "Fat People flavor."

-Eric: "Michael jump as high as you can!"
*Michael bends over to jump, his butt touches larosa's computer and it turns on and he screams*

-"I don't want to go back to school tommorrow. man, but i will. UNLESS I GET CANCER. BE RIGHT BACK IM GONNA GO STICK MY HEAD IN THE MICROWAVE."

-Tom: "Hey, this forehead is going to make me millions one day."
Michael: "Yea, by pounding in nails into pieces of wood."

-"I remember when i met you for the firrrst time...fuck it i'm not singing for you guys."
-Me: "What are some factors that affect the osmosis in plants?"
Michael: "How big their tits are."
Winston: "The difference in their osmosis, their difference in.."
Michael: "..Their tit size."
Winston: "The difference in pressure creates flows..."
Michael: "Across the mammary glands. SUCK MY TITS."

-Me: "Michael, what's LTP (Long Term Potentation) stand for?"
Michael: "Little Toy Shop."

-Me:"Spell Shop."
Michael: "S-H-O-P."
Me:"Spell Shop."
Michael: "S-H-O-P."
Me: "What do you do at a red light?"
Michael: "GO! Ah, damnit! You asshole."

-"Is it bad to watch your sister masturbate through a keyhole?" (he swears he found this on a medical website)

- *on Vent*
Michael:"You and I in a little toy shop
buy a bag of balloons with the money we've got
Set them free at the break of..." *stops singing suddenly*
Me: "?"
Michael: "My sister just told me to shut up."

-[michael's sitting at his desk talking to himself]
"Hidey-ho there, neighbor!"
Me: "Michael, who are you talking to?"
Michael: "I'm talking to my neighbor,Wilson. Duh!"

-"Dude... i don't think i wiped my ass completely. Something doesn't feel right."
-[we're giving michael a back massage, and he's wiggling away from us] "you guys are BAGS of TITS!"
-"Hey guys, im looking at gay porno!"
-[He tries to imitate Mr. Ha] "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHm just kidding. OH DAMNIT I DROOLED." *we hear a slurping noise*
-[Winston is on justin's vent name and is talking]
michael:"HOLY CRAP IT'S JUSTIN WITH WINSTON'S VOICE!"

-[vent]
Eric: "Hey Matt, i found a new [fighting]combo in Spiderman 2."
Michael: "Combo? What combo? I know a combo, it involves my 30 foot, big, floppy -"
[Michael Ho's voice gets cut off because Winston signed on]

-"I think Tom had trouble walking when he was a baby because he was so top-heavy." (I LOVE TOM LI)

- "The only good thing that came from France was the statue of liberty." ~ ~Eric Lee
Michael: "Dude, what the hell does the statue of liberty do? it's just a symbol of freedom. You know whats a good symbol of freedom?"
*Michael is silent*
Michael: "...I was going to say not being beaten by a white guy on a horse, but I didn't."

-"Leggo my waffle! ...I mean Eggo."
-"Oh God. My fart smells like fresh Vagina."
-Winston: "I'm sad."
Michael: "I'm sad. You know why I'm sad? Because i'm never gonna have sex."
[Jed starts laughing]
Winston:"I like how Jed is laughing but it probably applies to him as well."

-~[LJ]
Julie: "You guys are strange."
Michael: "This is grade A Humer!"
Michael:"Dammit. Humor."

"Hey, revolutionary can be a verb and a noun, right?"
-"So once, we were having a family dinner, and i said to my parents, 'Did you know that there are black people with 18 inch penises?'"
-"World war I is over, right?"
-"Kiara only wants him [Scar's son] for his big floppy lion COCK."
-"My grandfather was the high wizard of the KKK."
-"I banged every single backstreet boy in one night."
-[to the tune of "let's get fucked up and die"]
"Let's go kick kids with down syndrome.."
-Michael: "Hey Jed, wanna go have sex?"
Jed: "Kay."
Michael: "Okay, let's do it. 7 o'clock, Cancer Park. Actually it's hella windy, screw that."

-"When i get home, i'm going to fuck some oreo ice cream."
-[Michael's playing a beautiful lvl 10 piano piece, then stops playing suddenly]
"FUCK THIS SHIT!"
[starts playing again]

-"I'm getting hyphy in my seat nigga! Hold up, let me go urbandictionary hyphy."
-"Once, when i was little, i saw this piece of dog crap on the lawn, and i thought it was tanbark so i picked up and sniffed it. AND IT WAS DOG SHIT."
-[jumping up and down in his desk] "JUGGERNAUT JUGGERNAUT JUGGERNAUT!"
-"Hey when you were little did you ever want to jump off the roof with an umbrella?"
-"I'M IMMUNE TO PEER PRESSURE."
-"so i was in the grocery store today, right. and i got this boner. maybe it was the mellons, i duno." +
-Chris: "I like to eat college food."
Michael:"I like to eat nail polish."

-"I got moved to the corner in Bio because i was touching Tom. Now i just make moaning sounds."
-"Friggin' Brazilians, poverty stricken bastards. Brazil is only good for one thing. BLANCA!!!"
-"Fuck sluts."
-Me: "Hey, you know what movie really sucked?"[Ultraviolet]
Tom: "NO, I DON'T KNOW." [He knows it's ultraviolet]
Michael: " IT STARTS WITH A U AND ENDS WITH a...uhhh...a Y!"
Tom: "Ultraviolet?"
Michael: "no...YOU'RE GAY!"

-"Alfred Hitchcock can suck.. MY COCK."
-Me: "Hey Michael, do you know what Apathy is?"
Michael: "I don't know, and I don't give a fuck."

-"I like to rub spaghetti sauce on my balls."

-[Tom and Michael are sitting in Vent]
Michael: "I want to make out with Tom."
[Tom leaves the channel]

-[To me] "Way to swim on the wrong side of the lane you fucking british faggot."
-"it's like you take a kid with down syndrome, and then shoot his legs off. that's how much you lag." +
-" 75 dollars?!?! [For a Prom ticket] That's 6 months of WoW!"
-Michael: "I'm going to be serious with you Dan [Sheng] I want to rub my mouth on your cock."
Dan: "Michael, you're going to get the ass-beating of a lifetime."

-"Cock, cock, a big faaat cock. since you've been gonnnnnne..."
-Michael: "If you can snatch this paper from my hand, I'll suck your coc-"
[I snatch it out of his hand]
[Michael stares at me for 10 seconds, then turns around and doesn't talk to me]

-Zinn: "I'll come back from college and ask [Michael's sister] to winterball."
Michael: "Yea that's if you go to college Zinn."\

-Justin: "Eric, I like you."
Me:"Eric, i think you're fat."
Michael: "I want to rub my nose up and down your buttcrack."

-"I have 2 words for you. Suck my balls."
-[Tom gives Michael some lunch peaches]
"Score!" I have peeeeaches, you're a biiiitch."
-"Eva Longoria is a beaner."
-"EAT SHIT, MOTHERFUCKER."
[fendell walks by]

-"Guys, i wish my nipples were cheez-its."
-"So did you guys know i have samurai blood in me? when i bleed, the blood spells 'samurai' on my arm. watch- [he grabs a pen and poises himself over his arm] - uhh, how do you spell samurai?"
-[Ties his hair up with a rubber band] "I'm a pineapple!"

-Michael: "I LIKE TO WATCH FURNITURE PORN!"
Chris:"DUDE I'VE SEEN THAT SHIT BEFORE. WITH THE LAWN CHAIRS?"
Michael: "I like picnic tables more."
Michael: "Wait Chris are you serious? cuz i'm kidding."
Chris: "Dude, i'm serious."

-"The Matt in M stands for moron. Aw, damnit."
-"Summoning the cum."
-Tom: "Hey did you guys see the pictures of Suri Cruise in Jerry's LJ?"
Us: "Yea."
Michael: "I'd hit it." (from Chris)

-Michael: "You'll never guess what I'm doing right now."
Me: "What are you doing?"
Michael: "Staring into a lightbulb."
Me: really."
Michael: "Yea dude. I'm hella seeing spots right now."

-"What's Afro-American?"

-Winston:"Dude that's messed up. Haven't you ever needed a shoulder to cry on?"
Michael: "No. I ONLY NEED A DICK."

- Michael:"I'm going to...go stick my dick in a door hinge. be right back."
Chris: "Take pictures!"

-"I cut my finger trying to change the fan on my computer. by the way, don't try to change the fan when it's on."

-Michael: "I'm on Brett [Faust's] Top 8."
Me: "Yea, but he sent me a GIF."
Michael: "He sent it to me too. LET'S SEE WHO GOT IT FIRST."
[I got the Gif at 8:49 PM, Michael got it at 8:52]
Michael: "Hahaha, I got the Gif at 8:52. Now let's see when you got-AH DAMNIT. Looks like you win this time."

-[He's about to die in DOTA] "HOOOONOO FAT DICKS!"

-Tom: "Did you guys know that Dolphins are the only animal besides humans that enjoy sex?"
Michael:"Wait so when i have sex with horses, they're not enjoying it?"

-[Michael is reading USC app] "Three words to describe myself. Witty."
-[on vent]
"So who wants to hear the sound of my mike going up my ass?"
Deborah:[from across the room] "I DO!"

-"Feel the power...........OF SOUR." [Right before he squishes a lemon into his sister's retainer.]
-"Hey, its not nice to make generalizations about Oakland, the crime city."
-"You know puts a smile on my face? Little girls crying."

-Tom: "Michael, come here!"
Michael: "I'M GAMING, FUCK OFF!"

[Playing tackle football: Michael stops dead in his tracks and stares at Max, pointing a finger at him]
"Don't touch my friends."

-[Clipping his fingernails] "Hey Matt, I have to throw these clippings away. you don't wanna step on these bad boy! Oh shit." [He drops all of them]

-SPYxKID: so
SPYxKID: when i got on the taxi
SPYxKID: i made sure i wouldnt get jipped
SPYxKID: so i flashed my hand to the driver
SPYxKID: and made a badass face
SPYxKID: and my badass face is pretty good
SPYxKID: i set that bitch straight
SPYxKID: im lying


-spyxkid: dude i dont understand why they wont legalize weed
spyxkid: are they just ignoring the issue
winstonychou: cuz no politician would ever like
winstonychou: actually advocate it
spyxkid: yeah..but they could secretly advocate it
spyxkid: hahahaha


-[Battlefield Baseball]
"Guys, I don't feel like watching an inspirational, motivational, Baseball Movie."
[Right when he says this, an actor jumps to catch a fly ball and explodes]

-"Hey Matt, when you eat your loogies, do they ever taste...sweet?"
[AIM]
Michael:i just tried that thing
Michael:where you like stand and just lean forward until you fall
Michael:and try to catch yourself in a pushup position
Michael:lets just say...im not as strong as i thought

[AIM]
Me: I think Max would really like this [comic]
Michael: ...
Michael: you think you know max but you dont
Michael: My max.


Deborah: "Michael, look at this."
Michael: "Bring it over here in front of my face so I don't have to turn my head to look at it."


the best michael ho quote ever



Michael.what a hottie.

"If Michael Ho was a girl, I'd totally bone him." ~Chris Yang


More Quotes / Michael Ho Quotes from the sexmaster Justin Chi








* - stolen from Justin <3
+ - stolen from eric
% - stolen from jerry


















Walden west 11/16/05 - 11/18/05. yee






































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